When do you know where the boundaries are? When do you know when to speak? How do you know when you are supposed to stand and when you are supposed to walk, run, or tiptoe? It is interesting that the older and more mature I become in the Lord the less I seem assure or know. Many would contradict and say I should be more solid. He is new every day. As I walk I experience new aspects and areas of Him that up to this point were unknown. I read in a book recently that our walk with Christ is like a dance. The music is always playing, but on the dance floor there are no steps painted, no scripts in a book, no sheet music. You just have to listen, trust and step to the music playing.
Wow isn't that life! We don't know what is our next step, what tomorrow holds, what relationships will blossom or wither...yet we hold tight to who He is, sometimes through tears and dance. We dance. Sometimes to slow music, sometimes to fast music, sometimes to strange music, but He always knows the direction we are supposed to be going. What if there isn't one perfect dance song?! There are times in my life I thought I knew the directions I was supposed to travel. I was confident. Looking back, the music became hard to dance too. It changed me, shaped me, made me who I am today. Questions I ask now are how could I have avoided the pain, heart ache, sorrow, and loneliness. But was I supposed to dance through it anyway to become who I am today?
I was earnestly asked, how do I proceed without knowing if I will get hurt, make a mistake, or end up broken again. How do you answer? If your heart does become become broken and hurt, we know that you are still alive, can heal, and will be able to love again. Isn't that what life is about, dancing, loving, living.....
Monday, September 1, 2014
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Single Mom…..
Looking back on my life, THIS is not what I had planned. Sometimes I wonder if this is NOT what God had planned either. He did give us a free-will and sometimes that freeness steps outside of what He had desired for our lives.
Life has not been easy for me and my household either. We don't live in a two parent home, two income family, trips every summer, luxury of eating out whenever, having loving grandparents spoiling the grandkids, or friends who stuck through all the rough parts…. I have been a single mom for most of my children's lives. I have had to fill in all the parts, mom/dad/nurse/dr/teacher/advisor/and many many more. Many, many tears have flowed over the years, many set backs, many achievements, many laughs, and many precious moments. Then God gives you a glimpse of who your children have become….
My daughter amazes me on a daily basis. She is so talented and creative. The other day, a situation arose. We were in a store together, when someone from our past 'spotted' us. The nicities were given and then a painful question was stabbed at us. My daughter graciously nodded, smiled, and politely responded. Then with precision ended the conversation and we were on our way. O how proud and humble at the same time. She handled herself like a Godly lady with strong character.
Today was another one of those reflective moments. My son, my baby, had an interview for a full time fire fighter job. As my son showered, shaved, and got ready, pride whelmed up inside of me. How he has gown over the years from playing with fire trucks in the sandbox to wanting to impact his community through the fire department. He came in and sat on the couch asking for 'pointers' on the interview's dos and don'ts. As I am explaining to not fidget, not to put hands in pockets, sit up straight, be honest, straightforward, use manners, etc…. I felt so humble in the presence of a grown amazing young man.
In moments such as these, emotions well up…pride, humility, love, joy. We have the opportunity to have that glimpse of the mighty character that has been built in our children on the treacherous roads we have traveled. We stand in awe of who they have become because we trusted Him with them.
Life has not been easy for me and my household either. We don't live in a two parent home, two income family, trips every summer, luxury of eating out whenever, having loving grandparents spoiling the grandkids, or friends who stuck through all the rough parts…. I have been a single mom for most of my children's lives. I have had to fill in all the parts, mom/dad/nurse/dr/teacher/advisor/and many many more. Many, many tears have flowed over the years, many set backs, many achievements, many laughs, and many precious moments. Then God gives you a glimpse of who your children have become….
My daughter amazes me on a daily basis. She is so talented and creative. The other day, a situation arose. We were in a store together, when someone from our past 'spotted' us. The nicities were given and then a painful question was stabbed at us. My daughter graciously nodded, smiled, and politely responded. Then with precision ended the conversation and we were on our way. O how proud and humble at the same time. She handled herself like a Godly lady with strong character.
Today was another one of those reflective moments. My son, my baby, had an interview for a full time fire fighter job. As my son showered, shaved, and got ready, pride whelmed up inside of me. How he has gown over the years from playing with fire trucks in the sandbox to wanting to impact his community through the fire department. He came in and sat on the couch asking for 'pointers' on the interview's dos and don'ts. As I am explaining to not fidget, not to put hands in pockets, sit up straight, be honest, straightforward, use manners, etc…. I felt so humble in the presence of a grown amazing young man.
In moments such as these, emotions well up…pride, humility, love, joy. We have the opportunity to have that glimpse of the mighty character that has been built in our children on the treacherous roads we have traveled. We stand in awe of who they have become because we trusted Him with them.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Don't let me be lonely…..
I'm lonely..... Have you heard anyone say that? Most the time we hear...I'm hungry, I'm late, I'm tired, I'm fat, I'm cold! But rarely do you hear anyone say I'm lonely. Why is that? I have met quite a few people lately and their soul hurts. They are lonely. They are crying silently because most the time the world is flying by them without caring. There are even sitcoms that poke fun at people's expense. People are making permanent decisions for a heartbreaking problem, ending it all. Songs drip with tears of loneliness. Movies have hearts crying out for companionship.
Have you ever watched a little girl pretending to be a ballerina? She twirls and whirls, smiles expanding her whole face, laughter squealing out in delight. Have you ever watched a little boy pretending to be a race car driver? He buzzes, zooms, zips, smiles expanding his whole face, laughter bellowing out in excitement. Then we grow up. We allow pressures of life to crush our hopes, dreams, and desires. We forget who we are and were created to be. Did you know that not once does the Word of God describe you as an Adult of God...interesting. We are His children, sons and daughters, mature believers, BUT never once adults! Why is that?!
I believe that Daddy wants us to remember what it was like to be young and free, to have a saving grace, a hiding place. To be able to fly, to dream, to laugh, to enjoy life.... In saying that, I am His daughter and believe I am supposed to reach out to others. I am supposed to be there for them. The other day, I was having a horrible day. I just needed to share life and have someone just listen...no advice, fix all, or condolences. Just a shoulder and an ear. Approximately two or three people literally turned a deaf ear because life was whirling by them so fast. I sighed. Then I heard a soft voice say, I'm here, I understand, I will listen..... My heart broke and tears flowed. How many times have I ignored life crying out right in front of me? I repent! Oh my God please don't let me let others dying, crying, crushing by life, walk by me without me offering a kind word, a shoulder to lean on, a gentle touch, or love on them whether it is so brief. We were created to touch and be touched. Don't let me be lonely.......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3czgSzH7Cc
Have you ever watched a little girl pretending to be a ballerina? She twirls and whirls, smiles expanding her whole face, laughter squealing out in delight. Have you ever watched a little boy pretending to be a race car driver? He buzzes, zooms, zips, smiles expanding his whole face, laughter bellowing out in excitement. Then we grow up. We allow pressures of life to crush our hopes, dreams, and desires. We forget who we are and were created to be. Did you know that not once does the Word of God describe you as an Adult of God...interesting. We are His children, sons and daughters, mature believers, BUT never once adults! Why is that?!
I believe that Daddy wants us to remember what it was like to be young and free, to have a saving grace, a hiding place. To be able to fly, to dream, to laugh, to enjoy life.... In saying that, I am His daughter and believe I am supposed to reach out to others. I am supposed to be there for them. The other day, I was having a horrible day. I just needed to share life and have someone just listen...no advice, fix all, or condolences. Just a shoulder and an ear. Approximately two or three people literally turned a deaf ear because life was whirling by them so fast. I sighed. Then I heard a soft voice say, I'm here, I understand, I will listen..... My heart broke and tears flowed. How many times have I ignored life crying out right in front of me? I repent! Oh my God please don't let me let others dying, crying, crushing by life, walk by me without me offering a kind word, a shoulder to lean on, a gentle touch, or love on them whether it is so brief. We were created to touch and be touched. Don't let me be lonely.......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3czgSzH7Cc
Friday, January 31, 2014
A trip to the grocery store…...
I try to be as objective as possible. I ask for discernment to help me walk through life. I desperately wanted to write about something that happened to my family and I, BUT I had to calm down. It has been a long time since I had been that angry. Hopefully my heart will shine through what I have learned from this incident. I don't believe that life just haphazardly happens. I know there is true meaning in everything we do, see, experience, and we can learn life lessons from it.
So let me begin to describe the incident that changed my view point and makes me ponder… My family was shopping at Aldi's for our monthly grocery purchase. Here are some of the truths Aldi's stand by. "Loyalty shouldn't require a card". "Impressively high quality at impossibly low prices." In other words, they are low prices with same quality of food as larger grocery stores. It is heaven sent for a single mom on a tight budget. We are standing in line to check out. My two children are chatting up a storm about their day when I notice a single young lady in front of us is getting very fidgety. So I look at the cashier. He is a young man probably 21ish. He has just finished scanning this young family's grocery. A father, a mother, and two beautiful children under four years of age. The father is digging in his pockets and counting out pennies, dimes, nickels. The mother is scrounging in her purse for 'extra' money. They are whispering to each other. I am watching this all unfold in front of us as the cashier is mocking them to the single young lady. He is rolling his eyes, lipping that they 'don't have enough money to purchase everything'. The mother picks up a package of chicken and asks for it to be taken off the bill. Still it is not enough. the mocking continues and my blood begins to boil. He then glances back to my family, who now has noticed I am not paying attention to them but totally getting pissed. He starts to mock them to me. Aloud and forcefully like a mother, I promptly tell him to shut up and stop his rude behavior. Well that went over like a ton of bricks. He smirks and looks back to the young lady. This continues for a few more seconds. The mother is now in tears and the father is trying to figure out what else to put back. I step forward and the cashier smirks at me. I asked, "How much are they short?" The cashier looked at me blankly. So I asked just a little bit louder. "How much are they short?" He turns so I can see the amount and says they only have this amount. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! They were ONLY $6 short! I reached in my purse and handed the cashier a ten dollar bill. He started to make a smart remark. My son (18, 6 foot 4 inches) stepped forward and told him to shut his mouth. The cashier finished the purchase and went to hand me the change. I nodded for him to hand it to this young humiliated couple. The couple profusely thanked me. With tears in their eyes, they took their groceries and two precious babies to an old beat up car and drove away changed. I waited for their car to disappear and I asked to see the manager.
There are so many things about this that pisses me off. How dare someone mock someone else because of their financial state or because of the color of their skin (which was part of the issue also). Where is compassion, helping one another, consideration, love, or just being sensitive of what someone is going through. I explained the situation to the manager and stated firmly this should Never have happened. This cashier has never had to scrape pennies, dimes, nickels to feed his family. I have! I have had to put food back, to stretch staples for what seemed like weeks so my family wouldn't be hungry. This family probably are hard workers, they aren't shopping at the expensive stores like Harris Teeter or Food Lion. They are pinching everything and HAD to put meat back to make ends meet. I regret one thing. I should have purchased the chicken but I was so angry I didn't think. The cashier never apologized. What are we teaching our society today? When someone is down, push them further down?
What have I learned….even the smallest gestures can impact someone for a lifetime. Hopefully that family will remember the kindest shone not the mockery that was displayed. I learned that my children, who were just as angry, stepped up to the plate. They had compassion and were praying. Probably praying that their mother wouldn't hit someone. I have also learned to be more observant around me. Who can I touch with love and kindness today? How can I change someone's situation with words, actions, or deeds? I have learned to listen to the Holy Spirit to direct me. Every moment is important and every person is His child. Nothing is a waste of time, it adds to the person you are…..What kind of person are you trying to be today?!
So let me begin to describe the incident that changed my view point and makes me ponder… My family was shopping at Aldi's for our monthly grocery purchase. Here are some of the truths Aldi's stand by. "Loyalty shouldn't require a card". "Impressively high quality at impossibly low prices." In other words, they are low prices with same quality of food as larger grocery stores. It is heaven sent for a single mom on a tight budget. We are standing in line to check out. My two children are chatting up a storm about their day when I notice a single young lady in front of us is getting very fidgety. So I look at the cashier. He is a young man probably 21ish. He has just finished scanning this young family's grocery. A father, a mother, and two beautiful children under four years of age. The father is digging in his pockets and counting out pennies, dimes, nickels. The mother is scrounging in her purse for 'extra' money. They are whispering to each other. I am watching this all unfold in front of us as the cashier is mocking them to the single young lady. He is rolling his eyes, lipping that they 'don't have enough money to purchase everything'. The mother picks up a package of chicken and asks for it to be taken off the bill. Still it is not enough. the mocking continues and my blood begins to boil. He then glances back to my family, who now has noticed I am not paying attention to them but totally getting pissed. He starts to mock them to me. Aloud and forcefully like a mother, I promptly tell him to shut up and stop his rude behavior. Well that went over like a ton of bricks. He smirks and looks back to the young lady. This continues for a few more seconds. The mother is now in tears and the father is trying to figure out what else to put back. I step forward and the cashier smirks at me. I asked, "How much are they short?" The cashier looked at me blankly. So I asked just a little bit louder. "How much are they short?" He turns so I can see the amount and says they only have this amount. OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! They were ONLY $6 short! I reached in my purse and handed the cashier a ten dollar bill. He started to make a smart remark. My son (18, 6 foot 4 inches) stepped forward and told him to shut his mouth. The cashier finished the purchase and went to hand me the change. I nodded for him to hand it to this young humiliated couple. The couple profusely thanked me. With tears in their eyes, they took their groceries and two precious babies to an old beat up car and drove away changed. I waited for their car to disappear and I asked to see the manager.
There are so many things about this that pisses me off. How dare someone mock someone else because of their financial state or because of the color of their skin (which was part of the issue also). Where is compassion, helping one another, consideration, love, or just being sensitive of what someone is going through. I explained the situation to the manager and stated firmly this should Never have happened. This cashier has never had to scrape pennies, dimes, nickels to feed his family. I have! I have had to put food back, to stretch staples for what seemed like weeks so my family wouldn't be hungry. This family probably are hard workers, they aren't shopping at the expensive stores like Harris Teeter or Food Lion. They are pinching everything and HAD to put meat back to make ends meet. I regret one thing. I should have purchased the chicken but I was so angry I didn't think. The cashier never apologized. What are we teaching our society today? When someone is down, push them further down?
What have I learned….even the smallest gestures can impact someone for a lifetime. Hopefully that family will remember the kindest shone not the mockery that was displayed. I learned that my children, who were just as angry, stepped up to the plate. They had compassion and were praying. Probably praying that their mother wouldn't hit someone. I have also learned to be more observant around me. Who can I touch with love and kindness today? How can I change someone's situation with words, actions, or deeds? I have learned to listen to the Holy Spirit to direct me. Every moment is important and every person is His child. Nothing is a waste of time, it adds to the person you are…..What kind of person are you trying to be today?!
Monday, December 16, 2013
If I didn't have You!!!
Have you ever been driving just singing the song on the radio? I was coming home from work doing that very thing the other day. Thompson Square's song was on. All of a sudden I realized this is how I feel about Daddy.... You see for a long time He has been my Husband. I went through a horrid divorce and one night I was sobbing on the floor with my Bible opened. I heard Isaiah 54:5....For your Maker is your husband, the Lord Almighty is His Name... I have clung to this verse with every ounce of energy in me. This song says it all. This life would kill me If I didn't have You! I'd never make it through! You are my heart, every breath I breathe. I'm safe in Your arms, You rescue me. My Daddy loves me so much. Below are the lyrics and YouTube of the video. Think of Him when you listen to it.... Just my random thoughts....
"If I Didn't Have You"
"If I Didn't Have You"
Sometimes it feels like, I'm gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.
You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me
(You were made for me)
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you
If you didn't love me so much
(If you didn't love me so much)
This Life would kill me If I didn't have you
(This life would kill me)
Couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause This life would kill me
This Life would kill me if I didn't have you
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.
You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me
(You were made for me)
This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you
If you didn't love me so much
(If you didn't love me so much)
This Life would kill me If I didn't have you
(This life would kill me)
Couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause This life would kill me
This Life would kill me if I didn't have you
Saturday, December 7, 2013
I want to be loved.....
As I am sitting on my couch in a quiet house with all my family out and about and I ponder the events of the weekend. It hits me so hard. I was with three young amazing single men, one beautiful incredible woman, and 500 to 600 gun advocates and I noticed one thing....people were looking for love. One young man just stepped out of a three year relationship. He said he just woke up and realized there was no love in it. Another one has high hopes but the 'lady' he is waiting for isn't even giving him the time of day. Still another one has a wonderful woman on his arm but hesitant if he will be loved for a life time. I watched as families strolled through a crowd craving for touches, hugs, and love in the strongest way. In the papers lately, a 23 year old desperately reaching out to a 40 year trying to cling onto love. Television market it daily, try to find love that will last. A marriage that lasts only 72 days and then cashes in on the money. A young lady doubts if they should 'take the next step' because she want to be sure she will be loved for a life time. I want to be loved too....
So my heart cries out to the God that is LOVE. His name is LOVE! We as His children need to be the arms and hands that show this love. Wrapping our arms around others to comfort, to give security, to give hope to. Holding out a hand to give support, to bring friendship, to give joy. We live in a society that is craving, starving, dying to be loved! We need to fall in love with a God who loved us so much He sent His only Son for each of us.... We need to love the people around us..... We all need LOVE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydfH7iuLR0I
So my heart cries out to the God that is LOVE. His name is LOVE! We as His children need to be the arms and hands that show this love. Wrapping our arms around others to comfort, to give security, to give hope to. Holding out a hand to give support, to bring friendship, to give joy. We live in a society that is craving, starving, dying to be loved! We need to fall in love with a God who loved us so much He sent His only Son for each of us.... We need to love the people around us..... We all need LOVE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydfH7iuLR0I
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Make up.....
Why do we put on make-up? To cover up our flaws. A few weeks ago someone was praying over me and said, "I see you wear make-up to cover the flaws in your life". So true. I apply it daily as I venture out. My children see the real, unwashed version of my life. They see the raw, painful, ecstatic, day to day struggles that I walk through. Immediately fear begins to rise, voices start screaming in my head. like a country song...."Powder your nose, paint your toes, line your lips and keep em close, cross your legs, dot your I's, and never let em see you cry. Go and fix your make up, girl it's just a break up. Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady, cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart...." (Thanks Miranda Lambert)
Even past spiritual leaders sing the same song. Keep secrets so people won't get hurt (hold on and let me finish laughing), don't talk about your pain, especially depression and PLEASE don't tell people you have to take anti-depressants. Always smile and never let the ones you are helping/leading know you are hurting, in pain, struggling financial or even need to cry. "Dot your I's..."
I am going to try to be as brutally honest in this post as I can. I read a book. Shocker! Here are the voices again [Don't tell them cuz it is written by a homosexual. Do good Christians read books by homosexuals.....YES!] Really it was one of the best, honest, raw books I have read in a long time. It CHANGED me. I cried! I felt her pain. Someone hurts just like I have for years. The way society, church, co-workers, family, PEOPLE made her feel. She had an eating disorder that almost cost her her life. She heard voices too. You need to look thinner, prettier, be better. Where are the positive, loving words and support that we need. How could SO many people touch her life and never ever know she was hurting?! I look at my life, how many years have I walked through shit and no one ever knew I was hurting. Are there really that many rules and regulations to be loved? We all want to be loved! "Gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart..."
I have a few stories on how I can relate to her in the book. I had been cancer free for about three years and I am overweight. Someone saw a picture of me in college and asked, "Wow, what happened?! You were so thin." Wow made me want to go out and buy a new outfit to show off my curves. Another time, I was really depressed because I don't want to spend my whole life single since I am divorced. I was told by a spiritual leader to make a 'list' of what I would love in a spouse and pray that. I have for years. I was sharing it and mentioned I wanted him built. A head leader turned to me and said, "Maybe he hasn't come since he is praying for someone skinny." Ouch! Where's the love?! I have been told horrible things and sometimes it is exhausting to keep fighting. I fight alone because everyone left except my Daddy. I squeeze His hand so tightly and won't let go...
I have walked through so much pain and suffering. I apply my make-up and keep going. What if we let others in and see the pain and hurt? What if we share the voices in our head? Would people really listen to the pain or slam you with a degrading remark? Have I made remarks to destroy someone? Hurt people hurt people.... We were walking down the beach and there were all shape and sizes of people. Most of them were probably concerned about their body shape. What do others think of my body? Am I too fat? What do 'they' think of my swim suit? Do I really belong here? We walk pass them. About two minutes later I compliment a woman who had passed about being bold wearing a bikini. My daughter says, "What woman?" If only that woman knew this......
I think the part that pissed me off the most is this woman in the book found a lover, a homosexual lover that accepted her just the way she was, respected her. She found healing through talking to people, eating correctly, and someone loving her! How many others are suffering like her, like me.... Why has some of the loneliest time I have felt, I have been surrounded by people? We are told that you don't have to do anything to be loved by Daddy. We just have to be. Did anyone tell her? She wanted to be loved. I want to be loved....
I went to the beach to breathe and listen... I heard Daddy say as I was walking, "this has been a slow process, but there are treasures along the way. Look at your feet, there is a treasure (a beautiful starfish). Look up along the horizon, there is a treasure (a dolphin jumped out of the water). Look to the sky, there is a treasure (rays of golden sunshine streaming down). I look at you, you are My beautiful treasure..."
I hurt...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4vzSYFcn-k
Even past spiritual leaders sing the same song. Keep secrets so people won't get hurt (hold on and let me finish laughing), don't talk about your pain, especially depression and PLEASE don't tell people you have to take anti-depressants. Always smile and never let the ones you are helping/leading know you are hurting, in pain, struggling financial or even need to cry. "Dot your I's..."
I am going to try to be as brutally honest in this post as I can. I read a book. Shocker! Here are the voices again [Don't tell them cuz it is written by a homosexual. Do good Christians read books by homosexuals.....YES!] Really it was one of the best, honest, raw books I have read in a long time. It CHANGED me. I cried! I felt her pain. Someone hurts just like I have for years. The way society, church, co-workers, family, PEOPLE made her feel. She had an eating disorder that almost cost her her life. She heard voices too. You need to look thinner, prettier, be better. Where are the positive, loving words and support that we need. How could SO many people touch her life and never ever know she was hurting?! I look at my life, how many years have I walked through shit and no one ever knew I was hurting. Are there really that many rules and regulations to be loved? We all want to be loved! "Gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart..."
I have a few stories on how I can relate to her in the book. I had been cancer free for about three years and I am overweight. Someone saw a picture of me in college and asked, "Wow, what happened?! You were so thin." Wow made me want to go out and buy a new outfit to show off my curves. Another time, I was really depressed because I don't want to spend my whole life single since I am divorced. I was told by a spiritual leader to make a 'list' of what I would love in a spouse and pray that. I have for years. I was sharing it and mentioned I wanted him built. A head leader turned to me and said, "Maybe he hasn't come since he is praying for someone skinny." Ouch! Where's the love?! I have been told horrible things and sometimes it is exhausting to keep fighting. I fight alone because everyone left except my Daddy. I squeeze His hand so tightly and won't let go...
I have walked through so much pain and suffering. I apply my make-up and keep going. What if we let others in and see the pain and hurt? What if we share the voices in our head? Would people really listen to the pain or slam you with a degrading remark? Have I made remarks to destroy someone? Hurt people hurt people.... We were walking down the beach and there were all shape and sizes of people. Most of them were probably concerned about their body shape. What do others think of my body? Am I too fat? What do 'they' think of my swim suit? Do I really belong here? We walk pass them. About two minutes later I compliment a woman who had passed about being bold wearing a bikini. My daughter says, "What woman?" If only that woman knew this......
I think the part that pissed me off the most is this woman in the book found a lover, a homosexual lover that accepted her just the way she was, respected her. She found healing through talking to people, eating correctly, and someone loving her! How many others are suffering like her, like me.... Why has some of the loneliest time I have felt, I have been surrounded by people? We are told that you don't have to do anything to be loved by Daddy. We just have to be. Did anyone tell her? She wanted to be loved. I want to be loved....
I went to the beach to breathe and listen... I heard Daddy say as I was walking, "this has been a slow process, but there are treasures along the way. Look at your feet, there is a treasure (a beautiful starfish). Look up along the horizon, there is a treasure (a dolphin jumped out of the water). Look to the sky, there is a treasure (rays of golden sunshine streaming down). I look at you, you are My beautiful treasure..."
I hurt...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4vzSYFcn-k
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)