Why do we put on make-up? To cover up our flaws. A few weeks ago someone was praying over me and said, "I see you wear make-up to cover the flaws in your life". So true. I apply it daily as I venture out. My children see the real, unwashed version of my life. They see the raw, painful, ecstatic, day to day struggles that I walk through. Immediately fear begins to rise, voices start screaming in my head. like a country song...."Powder your nose, paint your toes, line your lips and keep em close, cross your legs, dot your I's, and never let em see you cry. Go and fix your make up, girl it's just a break up. Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady, cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart...." (Thanks Miranda Lambert)
Even past spiritual leaders sing the same song. Keep secrets so people won't get hurt (hold on and let me finish laughing), don't talk about your pain, especially depression and PLEASE don't tell people you have to take anti-depressants. Always smile and never let the ones you are helping/leading know you are hurting, in pain, struggling financial or even need to cry. "Dot your I's..."
I am going to try to be as brutally honest in this post as I can. I read a book. Shocker! Here are the voices again [Don't tell them cuz it is written by a homosexual. Do good Christians read books by homosexuals.....YES!] Really it was one of the best, honest, raw books I have read in a long time. It CHANGED me. I cried! I felt her pain. Someone hurts just like I have for years. The way society, church, co-workers, family, PEOPLE made her feel. She had an eating disorder that almost cost her her life. She heard voices too. You need to look thinner, prettier, be better. Where are the positive, loving words and support that we need. How could SO many people touch her life and never ever know she was hurting?! I look at my life, how many years have I walked through shit and no one ever knew I was hurting. Are there really that many rules and regulations to be loved? We all want to be loved! "Gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart..."
I have a few stories on how I can relate to her in the book. I had been cancer free for about three years and I am overweight. Someone saw a picture of me in college and asked, "Wow, what happened?! You were so thin." Wow made me want to go out and buy a new outfit to show off my curves. Another time, I was really depressed because I don't want to spend my whole life single since I am divorced. I was told by a spiritual leader to make a 'list' of what I would love in a spouse and pray that. I have for years. I was sharing it and mentioned I wanted him built. A head leader turned to me and said, "Maybe he hasn't come since he is praying for someone skinny." Ouch! Where's the love?! I have been told horrible things and sometimes it is exhausting to keep fighting. I fight alone because everyone left except my Daddy. I squeeze His hand so tightly and won't let go...
I have walked through so much pain and suffering. I apply my make-up and keep going. What if we let others in and see the pain and hurt? What if we share the voices in our head? Would people really listen to the pain or slam you with a degrading remark? Have I made remarks to destroy someone? Hurt people hurt people.... We were walking down the beach and there were all shape and sizes of people. Most of them were probably concerned about their body shape. What do others think of my body? Am I too fat? What do 'they' think of my swim suit? Do I really belong here? We walk pass them. About two minutes later I compliment a woman who had passed about being bold wearing a bikini. My daughter says, "What woman?" If only that woman knew this......
I think the part that pissed me off the most is this woman in the book found a lover, a homosexual lover that accepted her just the way she was, respected her. She found healing through talking to people, eating correctly, and someone loving her! How many others are suffering like her, like me.... Why has some of the loneliest time I have felt, I have been surrounded by people? We are told that you don't have to do anything to be loved by Daddy. We just have to be. Did anyone tell her? She wanted to be loved. I want to be loved....
I went to the beach to breathe and listen... I heard Daddy say as I was walking, "this has been a slow process, but there are treasures along the way. Look at your feet, there is a treasure (a beautiful starfish). Look up along the horizon, there is a treasure (a dolphin jumped out of the water). Look to the sky, there is a treasure (rays of golden sunshine streaming down). I look at you, you are My beautiful treasure..."
I hurt...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4vzSYFcn-k
