If I didn't have You!!!

Have you ever been driving just singing the song on the radio?  I was coming home from work doing that very thing the other day.  Thompson Square's song was on.  All of a sudden I realized this is how I feel about Daddy.... You see for a long time He has been my Husband. I went through a horrid divorce and one night I was sobbing on the floor with my Bible opened.  I heard Isaiah 54:5....For your Maker is your husband, the Lord Almighty is His Name... I have clung to this verse with every ounce of energy in me.  This song says it all.  This life would kill me If I didn't have You!  I'd never make it through!  You are my heart, every breath I breathe.  I'm safe in Your arms, You rescue me.  My Daddy loves me so much.  Below are the lyrics and YouTube of the video. Think of Him when you listen to it.... Just my random thoughts....

"If I Didn't Have You"

Sometimes it feels like, I'm gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.

This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.

You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me
(You were made for me)

This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you

If you didn't love me so much
(If you didn't love me so much)

This Life would kill me If I didn't have you
(This life would kill me)

Couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause This life would kill me
This Life would kill me if I didn't have you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UptgRHX4JsI

I want to be loved.....

As I am sitting on my couch in a quiet house with all my family out and about and I ponder the events of the weekend.  It hits me so hard.  I was with three young amazing single men, one beautiful incredible woman, and 500 to 600 gun advocates and I noticed one thing....people were looking for love.  One young man just stepped out of a three year relationship.  He said he just woke up and realized there was no love in it.  Another one has high hopes but the 'lady' he is waiting for isn't even giving him the time of day.  Still another one has a wonderful woman on his arm but hesitant if he will be loved for a life time.  I watched as families strolled through a crowd craving for touches, hugs, and love in the strongest way.  In the papers lately, a 23 year old desperately reaching out to a 40 year trying to cling onto love.  Television market it daily, try to find love that will last.  A marriage that lasts only 72 days and then cashes in on the money. A young lady doubts if they should 'take the next step' because she want to be sure she will be loved for a life time.  I want to be loved too....  

So my heart cries out to the God that is LOVE.  His name is LOVE!  We as His children need to be the arms and hands that show this love.  Wrapping our arms around others to comfort, to give security, to give hope to.  Holding out a hand to give support, to bring friendship, to give joy.  We live in a society that is craving, starving, dying to be loved!  We need to fall in love with a God who loved us so much He sent His only Son for each of us.... We need to love the people around us..... We all need LOVE!


 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydfH7iuLR0I

Make up.....

Why do we put on make-up?  To cover up our flaws.  A few weeks ago someone was praying over me and said, "I see you wear make-up to cover the flaws in your life".  So true.  I apply it daily as I venture out.  My children see the real, unwashed version of my life.  They see the raw, painful, ecstatic, day to day struggles that I walk through.  Immediately fear begins to rise, voices start screaming in my head. like a country song...."Powder your nose, paint your toes, line your lips and keep em close, cross your legs, dot your I's, and never let em see you cry.  Go and fix your make up, girl it's just a break up.  Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady, cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart...." (Thanks Miranda Lambert)

Even past spiritual leaders sing the same song.  Keep secrets so people won't get hurt (hold on and let me finish laughing), don't talk about your pain, especially depression and PLEASE don't tell people you have to take anti-depressants.  Always smile and never let the ones you are helping/leading know you are hurting, in pain, struggling financial or even need to cry.  "Dot your I's..."

I am going to try to be as brutally honest in this post as I can.  I read a book. Shocker!  Here are the voices again [Don't tell them cuz it is written by a homosexual. Do good Christians read books by homosexuals.....YES!]  Really it was one of the best, honest, raw books I have read in a long time.  It CHANGED me.  I cried! I felt her pain.  Someone hurts just like I have for years. The way society, church, co-workers, family, PEOPLE made her feel.  She had an eating disorder that almost cost her her life.  She heard voices too.  You need to look thinner, prettier, be better.  Where are the positive, loving words and support that we need.  How could SO many people touch her life and never ever know she was hurting?!  I look at my life, how many years have I walked through shit and no one ever knew I was hurting.  Are there really that many rules and regulations to be loved?  We all want to be loved! "Gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart..."

I have a few stories on how I can relate to her in the book.  I had been cancer free for about three years and I am overweight.  Someone saw a picture of me in college and asked, "Wow, what happened?!  You were so thin."  Wow made me want to go out and buy a new outfit to show off my curves.  Another time, I was really depressed because I don't want to spend my whole life single since I am divorced.  I was told by a spiritual leader to make a 'list' of what I would love in a spouse and pray that.  I have for years.  I was sharing it and mentioned I wanted him built.  A head leader turned to me and said, "Maybe he hasn't come since he is praying for someone skinny." Ouch!  Where's the love?!  I have been told horrible things and sometimes it is exhausting to keep fighting.  I fight alone because everyone left except my Daddy.  I squeeze His hand so tightly and won't let go...

I have walked through so much pain and suffering.  I apply my make-up and keep going.  What if we let others in and see the pain and hurt?  What if we share the voices in our head?  Would people really listen to the pain or slam you with a degrading remark?  Have I made remarks to destroy someone?  Hurt people hurt people.... We were walking down the beach and there were all shape and sizes of people.  Most of them were probably concerned about their body shape.  What do others think of my body? Am I too fat?  What do 'they' think of my swim suit? Do I really belong here? We walk pass them.  About two minutes later I compliment a woman who had passed about being bold wearing a bikini.  My daughter says, "What woman?"  If only that woman knew this......

I think the part that pissed me off the most is this woman in the book found a lover, a homosexual lover that accepted her just the way she was, respected her.  She found healing through talking to people, eating correctly, and someone loving her! How many others are suffering like her, like me.... Why has some of the loneliest time I have felt, I have been surrounded by people?  We are told that you don't have to do anything to be loved by Daddy.  We just have to be.  Did anyone tell her?  She wanted to be loved.   I want to be loved....

I went to the beach to breathe and listen... I heard Daddy say as I was walking, "this has been a slow process, but there are treasures along the way.  Look at your feet, there is a treasure (a beautiful starfish).  Look up along the horizon, there is a treasure (a dolphin jumped out of the water).  Look to the sky, there is a treasure (rays of golden sunshine streaming down).  I look at you, you are My beautiful treasure..."

I hurt...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4vzSYFcn-k

Motherhood.....

What does it feel like to be a mother?  That was the question I was asked.  I pondered it for awhile.  I came up with an analogy.

Becoming and being a mother is like hearing there is a new roller coaster ride at an amusement park.  You are so excited about it and want to participate. You hear rumors about how it is going to be.  Excitement, anxiety, fear, nervousness, and joy all well up inside of you.  Then the time comes when you 'get' to go to the amusement park.  The day you find out you are expecting.  You arrive anticipating the new adventure and find out you have to stand in a huge, long line.  Nine months of waiting to be exact.  Emotions run wild.  The moment arrives for your bundle of joy to grace your life.  You buckle yourself into the roller coaster ride seat and hold on for dear life.  With every click, click, click, click, your world is full of pain, laughter, fear, joy, then you crest the top of the ride.  A baby is born.  From that point on, the ride plunges (drool, feedings, coos), spins (crawling, walking, first words), dips (losing first tooth), twists (Kindergarten), twirls (scrapes, colds, sick child), rises (hugs and kisses, bed-time stories), flips (jr. high, new friendships), turns (drivers education, first job), whirls (high school graduation, starting college) and you grip with all your might, scream, and even sometimes throw your hands up in the air exuberant with life.  At the end of the ride, you loved every moment, with no regrets, and wish it didn't go by so fast.  

Being a mother is the most rewarding, fulfilling adventure I have ever been on.  I have raised a strong will daughter and an adventurous son.  Both of whom I am so proud of.  I have cried, prayed, screamed, laughed, closed my eyes many times but it is all worth it.  A mother is who you become.  It's not a job or something that can be turned on or off.  It is loving, stretching, and growing as a person as you are raising up productive, strong adults.  I am a guardian and warrior that train others to impact the world.  I am now entering into a new realm of motherhood: confidant, guidance, counselor, friend.  Many and I mean many times, I was flat on my face crying at the feet of my Daddy.  He is my Savior in so many ways.  Motherhood brings out the inner most parts of who you are.  Holding a newborn for the first time, impacts your world beyond reasoning.  Holding your 16 year old in excruciating pain caused from a broken bone, impacts your world beyond reasoning. You hold tightly on to your Lord and Savior and cherish and pray for every moment.  It is a day by day journey that is overwhelmingly satisfying.  It takes on different looks and feels through the years but you never stop being a mom!

This past weekend we had my son's open house. On display were all his pictures through the years, some alone and some with the family. With each picture there was a memory attached.  With each picture there were either laughter or tears and sometimes both attached. I cried.  What more could a person ask for?!  A life, full of love, compassion, Christ, standing on their own.... Our children.  

I couldn't imagine my life any other way.  

Wuv, true wuv.....

What is love?  When you think of movies, which love stories pop into your mind?  Sappy ones, trials and overcoming odds, fighting for your beloved....  How does one fall 'into' love?  Is it a puddle? Sinkhole?  River?  Is it unconditional? Life-giving? Completion?  When courting that 'one true one', I instill into my children to love spirit, soul, and body.  AND in that order.  Connect on a spiritual level first (the most important).  Do you believe the same things?  Do you know Him in an intimate way that He is the cord that binds you together?  Do you pray together, discuss spiritual matters, soak in His Presence together and go to Him first with all decisions affecting your relationship?  On the soul level, do you inspire each other to greatness, encourage each other, dream together, feel safe and secure with one another, have trust, loyalty, kindness, and patience?  Then on the wedding night, connect in the most physical, intimate way that God intended.  

Whew! I did that in less than 100 words.  Easy as can be! Blahahahahahahahahahaha..... That is far from easy.  I do believe that we have been sold a bunch of bologna from Hollywood on how love is supposed to look, feel, be, and develop.  Don't panic, there is a perfect example for us to follow and not only grow in love but to let is spill out on to others, whether they deserve it or not.  

Love is patient, not demanding.  It holds your hand to bring security, reassurance in every situation.  Love is kind.  Kind is having and showing friendly, generous, and considerate nature.  It comes natural, not forced.  Love is not jealous or envious.  There is no resentment or suspicion in the relationship.  Always be honest and truthful.  Love never boast or is proud.  When I think about boasting an image of an 8 year old brat standing with their hands on their hips chanting "Na na, I won, you didn't!"  Not attractive!  We are to walk humbly not putting ourselves above others and making them feel less.  Love is never rude.  Here me carefully, NO ONE should ever degrade, slander, or belittle you in public or private.  That is abuse and those scars go deeper than physical scars.  Love does not demand its own way. Love allows others to grow and flourish, not demanding and controlling.  Love is not irritable.  Irritable is being annoyed and angered.  Love has no place for that.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  When forgiveness is sought, the trespass is never remembered again nor slammed in the person's face to make a point.  Love rejoices in truth not injustice.  It stands for the underdog, reaches down and lifts someone up, and is build upon the foundation of truth.  Love never gives up.  No matter how bad, horrible, terrifying, difficult the situation is, LOVE is there!  Love never loses faith and is always hopeful. It has confidence and trust in the person, knowing they can overcome any obstacle.  It is believing and hoping in others.  Love endures through every circumstance.  Every circumstance!! Sickness, health, child birth, death, lack, riches, war, peace, frustration, joys, every circumstance love is there.  Love last forever.  Hhmm, then that means one cannot 'fall' out of love.  It last, endure, is complete.  

Interesting that not once is sex, physical touching, or ooey gooey stuff mentioned.  How do you walk this love out?  True, agape love, can only be expressed and fulfilled by knowing Jesus Christ in an intimate way.  Not having rules and regulations, but having a life-giving relationship, in which His love flows through you and to others.  Then and only then can I stand next to a battered woman, thrown on the streets by an abusive husband, and love unconditionally.  Then and only then can I love, forgive, and release someone who raped a young teenager.  Then and only then can I raise children to impact a love starved world.  Then and only then can I love my husband in an intimate, physical, emotional love that will encourage and stand beside him no matter what comes our way.  Then and only then can I even begin to grasp the magnitude of love my Savior, Deliverer, King, Lord had towards me on Calvary.  1 John 4:19 states "We love Him because He first loved us."

The link below is from one of my favorite "love stories" about true love.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZsOPMVt4Yg

Grace....

Shut up!  You are not doing enough!  Why can't you be on time? Hey did you hear what 'she' did?  I don't HAVE to listen to you.  Back stabbing.... arguing... snapping.... demanding....sharp tones.... 

Holy Spirit has an incredible unique way of showing what I need to be praying and developing in my life.  Grace!!!  He has been showing me heart wrenching situations where His children are not walking in grace.  I have wept over some of them.  Shook my head at others.  Wanted to scream at even more.  We need GRACE!  

What is grace....I immediately hear what has been drilled in me over my Christian walk.  Wait, let me see if I get this right: Unmerited favor of God seen in the life of the believer.  But I think it is MORE than that.  There are many definitions and as I get greater insight from Daddy, I see that.  

Refinement of movement....wow, Christ was hanging on a cross and grace was applied as He is struggling to inhale and exhale.  Grace to lead someone to Paradise.  Grace to forgive the ones who just drove nails into His loving hands. Courteous....A woman was caught in the act of sex, ripped out of the room, hurled at the feet of the Messiah.  He bends down and writes in the sand.  Her accusers leave.  Gently with courteous, respectfulness, cradle her hand, picks her up and forgives.  Grace made her whole.  Goodwill....A young teen finds herself in a situation and needs a friend.  Her helpful Aunt comforts, encourages and exhorts her to trust in Yahweh.  She brings forth the Deliverer who will one day deliver her.  Grace is there in a friend, being helpful in a time of uncertainty.  No criticism or harsh words.  Free....Hungry, hot, but so thirsty, not just for water but for every word Jesus spoke.  An awesome mom packed her son a lunch so he could hear and gleam from the Words of Life.  He shares it so others may have food and 5000 are fed.  Grace is giving of what one has even if they don't think it is much.  Divinely given blessing....A daughter is given as a prize for a noble and brave deed.  As her husband and her ride into the sunset, she stops, dismounts from her donkey and her father meets her.  Is something wrong?  The daughter asks for a spring to supply her household.  Grace steps in. Her father cradles her face and grants her the upper and lower springs.  Thus, NO one will ever be able to control her household by stopping the flow of water.  Grace continues the life giving flow.

Honor....No matter what the ruling king did, said, or thought, David honored Saul.  David would not harm nor allow others to harm Saul because God places all authority over us.  When Saul died, David grieved.  Grace brings honor no matter if the person deserves it or not.  

O Lord I NEED so much help.  I need only God-given grace to walk this out as a mom. I need to cover my children, to be there and hold their hands as THEY make life defining decisions.  I must give them security, respect, honor, and bless them so they can impact the world.  I need only God-given grace to walk this out as a teacher and co-worker.  I need to give moments for others to make mistakes, to cover with love, to give freedom for growth, and to let others shine.  I must not judge, criticize, or be impatient but to comfort, exhort, and always encourage.  I need only God-given grace to walk through life .  I need to see people with love and compassion.  To only look down at someone as I am giving them my hand to help them stand back up on their feet.  To share life, laughs, tears, help, hold, to just be there.  Grace!!!

You will be missed......

I was sadden today to learn that one of the great authors who radically changed the way I think about my walk with Christ, stepped into eternity today.  He once wrote, "The closer I come to death, the less inclined I am to limit the wisdom and infinity of God."  Brennan Manning impacted me.  He was raw, compassionate, truthful, non-religious, and yet so full of God's love that it made the enemy shake.  This blog is dedicated to him.  Below are some exerts from my most favorite book by him, "The Furious Longing of God."  

"Ironically it was April Fool's Day, 1975, 6:30am, and I woke up in a doorway on Commercial Boulevard in Ft. Lauderdale, FL.  I was thick in an alcoholic fog, sniffing vomit all over my sweater, staring down at my bare feet.  I didn't know a wino would steal my shoes during the night to buy a bottle of Thunderbird, but one did.  I had been out on the street for a year and a half, drunk every day, sleeping on the beach until the cops chased me away.  You could find me in doorways or under the bridge, always clutching my precious little bottle of Tequila.  And it wasn't just that this good Franciscan priest drank too much.  I broke every one of the Ten Commandments six times Tuesday: adultery, countless acts of fornication, violence to support my addiction, character assassination to anybody who dared to criticize me or remonstrate with me.  

This morning I woke up in the alcoholic boozy fog, I looked down the street to see a woman coming toward me, maybe 25 years old, blonde, and attractive.  She had her son in hand, maybe 4 years old.  The boy broke loose from his mother's grip, ran to the doorway, and stared down at me.  His mother rushed in behind him, covering his eyes, and said 'Don't look at that filth.  That's nothing but pure filth.' Then I felt her shoe.  She broke two of my ribs with that kick.  

That filth was Brennan Manning, 32 years ago.  And the God I've come to know by sheer grace, the Jesus I met in the grounds of my own self, has furiously loved me regardless of my state---grace or disgrace.  And why?  For His love is never, never, never based on our performance, never conditioned by our moods---of elation or depression.  The furious love of God knows no shadow of alteration or change.  It is reliable.  And always tender.  Until the love of God that knows no boundary, limit, or breaking point is internalized through personal decisions; until the furious longing of God seizes the imagination; until the heart is conjoined to the mind through sheer grace, nothing happens.  

Is the kingdom that He proclaimed to be nothing more than a community of men and women, who go to church on Sunday, take an annual spiritual retreat, read their Bibles every now and then, vigorously oppose abortion, don't watch x-rated movies, never use vulgar language, smile a lot, hold doors open for people, root for the favorite team, and get along with everybody?  Is that why Jesus went through the bleak and bloody horror of Calvary?  Is that why He emerged in shattering glory from the tomb?  Is that why He poured out His Holy Spirit on the church?  To make nicer men  and women with better morals?

The gospel is absurd and the life of Jesus is meaningless unless we believe that He lived, died, and rose again with but one purpose in mind: to make brand-new creations.  Not to make people with better morals, but to create a community of prophets and professional lovers, who would surrender to the mystery of the fire of Holy Spirit that urns within, who would live in ever greater fidelity to the omnipresent Word of God, who would enter into the center of it all, the very heart and mystery of Christ, into the center of the flame that consumes, purifies, and sets everything aglow with peace, joy, boldness, and extravagant, furious love.

Abba I belong to You.. It's a prayer of exactly seven syllables, the number that corresponds perfectly to the rhythm of our breathing.  As you inhale---Abba.  As you exhale---I belong to You....  My name is Brennen Manning, and I'm Daddy's little boy."

Brennan Manning, you will be missed.  Especially from this ragamuffin..... 

"Cease striving and know that I am God," Psalm 46:10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GeVf1XQOPg