Observation....

Many times through events I see the Lord speaking; Orlando's three tragedies is one of them.  My dad used to say that many Christians are too busy polishing their armor or stabbing others in the back.  We are the Church!  We are His Body!  On June 26, 2015, the law of the land said it was okay for gay and lesbians to marry.  What did the Body do?  What should have the Body done?  

As a parent, when my child doesn't understand the consequences of their actions, my job is to cover them, train them, and love them.  The world is in sin.  It has NOT been redeemed.  Why would this decision 'surprise' us the Church.  The unsaved world is supposed to sin, it knows nothing else.  The Church had an amazing opportunity.  It could have covered these amazing human beings made in Christ likeness with prayer.  The Church could have taught how horrible this sin damages family, loved ones, society.... The Church could have loved them like Christ loved the Church and died for it.  

Our Amazing Father gives us many, many, many opportunities to step back into grace and do what we are supposed to do.  I hear our country 'crying' out for the Sons and Daughters of the King to cover it, train it, and love it.  Orlando is a family-fun place.  It is a place to save up and take the family, make memories, laugh, and enjoy life.   On June 10, 2016 a 'voice' representing our hopes, dreams, and youngness was shot.  Christina Grimmie was shot and later died from her wounds on June 11th.  On June 12th, forty-nine lives ended abruptly.  The name of the gay nightclub was the Pulse.  I see it as the 'pulse' of this country.  Many of the dead were men, men who were waiting for their 'training' to rise up and lead.  It was the heartbeat that stopped that day.  On June 14, 2016, a 2 year old Nebraska child, from the heart and innocence of our country, was snatched by an alligator.  Interesting how an alligator is a amphibian just like a snake is.  The 'snake' was attempting to 'snatch' life from the garden and succeeded until our Redeemer paid the price and rose again.  

Daddy has been speaking heavily to me regarding all these correlations.  He wants me to be the Church.  I need to repent if I have mocked, criticized or disrespect the gay and lesbian community.  I NEED to pray, love, bring hope to them.  "How then shall they call on Him in who they have not believed?  And how shall they believe in Him of who they have not heard?  And how shall they hear without a preacher?  And how shall they preach unless they are sent?  As it is written: 'How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the gospel of peace, who bring glad tidings of good things!'"  

It is the Good News, and we the Church have it.  Now we need to share it!!!

Boundaries?

When do you know where the boundaries are?  When do you know when to speak?  How do you know when you are supposed to stand and when you are supposed to walk, run, or tiptoe?  It is interesting that the older and more mature I become in the Lord the less I seem assure or know.  Many would contradict and say I should be more solid.  He is new every day.  As I walk I experience new aspects and areas of Him that up to this point were unknown.  I read in a book recently that our walk with Christ is like a dance.  The music is always playing, but on the dance floor there are no steps painted, no scripts in a book, no sheet music.  You just have to listen, trust and step to the music playing.  

Wow isn't that life!  We don't know what is our next step, what tomorrow holds, what relationships will blossom or wither...yet we hold tight to who He is, sometimes through tears and dance.  We dance.  Sometimes to slow music, sometimes to fast music, sometimes to strange music, but He always knows the direction we are supposed to be going.  What if there isn't one perfect dance song?!  There are times in my life I thought I knew the directions I was supposed to travel.  I was confident.  Looking back, the music became hard to dance too.  It changed me, shaped me, made me who I am today.  Questions I ask now are how could I have avoided the pain, heart ache, sorrow, and loneliness.  But was I supposed to dance through it anyway to become who I am today?  

I was earnestly asked, how do I proceed without knowing if I will get hurt, make a mistake, or end up broken again.  How do you answer?  If your heart does become become broken and hurt, we know that you are still alive, can heal, and will be able to love again.  Isn't that what life is about, dancing, loving, living.....

Single Mom…..

Looking back on my life, THIS is not what I had planned.  Sometimes I wonder if this is NOT what God had planned either.  He did give us a free-will and sometimes that freeness steps outside of what He had desired for our lives.

Life has not been easy for me and my household either.  We don't live in a two parent home, two income family, trips every summer, luxury of eating out whenever, having loving grandparents spoiling the grandkids, or friends who stuck through all the rough parts….  I have been a single mom for most of my children's lives.  I have had to fill in all the parts, mom/dad/nurse/dr/teacher/advisor/and many many more.  Many, many tears have flowed over the years, many set backs, many achievements, many laughs, and many precious moments.  Then God gives you a glimpse of who your children have become….

My daughter amazes me on a daily basis.  She is so talented and creative.  The other day, a situation arose.  We were in a store together, when someone from our past 'spotted' us.  The nicities were given and then a painful question was stabbed at us.  My daughter graciously nodded, smiled, and politely responded.  Then with precision ended the conversation and we were on our way.  O how proud and humble at the same time.  She handled herself like a Godly lady with strong character.

Today was another one of those reflective moments.  My son, my baby, had an interview for a full time fire fighter job.  As my son showered, shaved, and got ready, pride whelmed up inside of me.  How he has gown over the years from playing with fire trucks in the sandbox to wanting to impact his community through the fire department.  He came in and sat on the couch asking for 'pointers' on the interview's dos and don'ts.  As I am explaining to not fidget, not to put hands in pockets, sit up straight, be honest, straightforward, use manners, etc…. I felt so humble in the presence of a grown amazing young man.

In moments such as these, emotions well up…pride, humility, love, joy.  We have the opportunity to have that glimpse of the mighty character that has been built in our children on the treacherous roads we have traveled.  We stand in awe of who they have become because we trusted Him with them.

Don't let me be lonely…..

I'm lonely..... Have you heard anyone say that?  Most the time we hear...I'm hungry, I'm late, I'm tired, I'm fat, I'm cold!  But rarely do you hear anyone say I'm lonely.  Why is that? I have met quite a few people lately and their soul hurts.  They are lonely.  They are crying silently because most the time the world is flying by them without caring.  There are even sitcoms that poke fun at people's expense.  People are making permanent decisions for a heartbreaking problem, ending it all.  Songs drip with tears of loneliness.  Movies have hearts crying out for companionship.

Have you ever watched a little girl pretending to be a ballerina?  She twirls and whirls, smiles expanding her whole face, laughter squealing out in delight.  Have you ever watched a little boy pretending to be a race car driver?  He buzzes, zooms, zips, smiles expanding his whole face, laughter bellowing out in excitement.  Then we grow up.  We allow pressures of life to crush our hopes, dreams, and desires.  We forget who we are and were created to be.  Did you know that not once does the Word of God describe you as an Adult of God...interesting.  We are His children, sons and daughters, mature believers, BUT never once adults!  Why is that?!  

I believe that Daddy wants us to remember what it was like to be young and free, to have a saving grace, a hiding place.  To be able to fly, to dream, to laugh, to enjoy life....  In saying that, I am His daughter and believe I am supposed to reach out to others.  I am supposed to be there for them.  The other day, I was having a horrible day.  I just needed to share life and have someone just listen...no advice, fix all, or condolences.  Just a shoulder and an ear.  Approximately two or three people literally turned a deaf ear because life was whirling by them so fast.  I sighed.  Then I heard a soft voice say, I'm here, I understand, I will listen..... My heart broke and tears flowed.  How many times have I ignored life crying out right in front of me?  I repent!  Oh my God please don't let me let others dying, crying, crushing by life, walk by me without me offering a kind word, a shoulder to lean on, a gentle touch, or love on them whether it is so brief.  We were created to touch and be touched.  Don't let me be lonely.......



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3czgSzH7Cc

A trip to the grocery store…...

I try to be as objective as possible.  I ask for discernment to help me walk through life.  I desperately wanted to write about something that happened to my family and I, BUT I had to calm down.  It has been a long time since I had been that angry.  Hopefully my heart will shine through what I have learned from this incident.  I don't believe that life just haphazardly happens.  I know there is true meaning in everything we do, see, experience, and we can learn life lessons from it.

So let me begin to describe the incident that changed my view point and makes me ponder… My family was shopping at Aldi's for our monthly grocery purchase.  Here are some of the truths Aldi's stand by.  "Loyalty shouldn't require a card".  "Impressively high quality at impossibly low prices." In other words, they are low prices with same quality of food as larger grocery stores.  It is heaven sent for a single mom on a tight budget.  We are standing in line to check out.  My two children are chatting up a storm about their day when I notice a single young lady in front of us is getting very fidgety.  So I look at the cashier.  He is a young man probably 21ish.  He has just finished scanning this young family's grocery.  A father, a mother, and two beautiful children under four years of age.  The father is digging in his pockets and counting out pennies, dimes, nickels.   The mother is scrounging in her purse for 'extra' money.  They are whispering to each other.  I am watching this all unfold in front of us as the cashier is mocking them to the single young lady.  He is rolling his eyes, lipping that they 'don't have enough money to purchase everything'.  The mother picks up a package of chicken and asks for it to be taken off the bill.  Still it is not enough. the mocking continues and my blood begins to boil.  He then glances back to my family, who now has noticed I am not paying attention to them but totally getting pissed.  He starts to mock them to me.  Aloud and forcefully like a mother, I promptly tell him to shut up and stop his rude behavior.  Well that went over like a ton of bricks.  He smirks and looks back to the young lady.  This continues for a few more seconds.  The mother is now in tears and the father is trying to figure out what else to put back.  I step forward and the cashier smirks at me.  I asked, "How much are they short?"  The cashier looked at me blankly.  So I asked just a little bit louder.  "How much are they short?"  He turns so I can see the amount and says they only have this amount.  OH MY GOODNESS!!!!! They were ONLY $6 short!  I reached in my purse and handed the cashier a ten dollar bill.  He started to make a smart remark.  My son (18, 6 foot 4 inches) stepped forward and told him to shut his mouth.  The cashier finished the purchase and went to hand me the change.  I nodded for him to hand it to this young humiliated couple.  The couple profusely thanked me.  With tears in their eyes, they took their groceries and two precious babies to an old beat up car and drove away changed.  I waited for their car to disappear and I asked to see the manager.  

There are so many things about this that pisses me off.  How dare someone mock someone else because of their financial state or because of the color of their skin (which was part of the issue also).  Where is compassion, helping one another, consideration, love, or just being sensitive of what someone is going through.  I explained the situation to the manager and stated firmly this should Never have happened.  This cashier has never had to scrape pennies, dimes, nickels to feed his family.  I have!  I have had to put food back, to stretch staples for what seemed like weeks so my family wouldn't  be hungry.  This family probably are hard workers, they aren't shopping at the expensive stores like Harris Teeter or Food Lion. They are pinching everything and HAD to put meat back to make ends meet.  I regret one thing.  I should have purchased the chicken but I was so angry I didn't think.  The cashier never apologized.  What are we teaching our society today?  When someone is down, push them further down?  

What have I learned….even the smallest gestures can impact someone for a lifetime.  Hopefully that family will remember the kindest shone not the mockery that was displayed.  I learned that my children, who were just as angry, stepped up to the plate.  They had compassion and were praying.  Probably praying that their mother wouldn't hit someone.  I have also learned to be more observant around me.  Who can I touch with love and kindness today?  How can I change someone's situation with words, actions, or deeds?  I have learned to listen to the Holy Spirit to direct me.  Every moment is important and every person is His child.  Nothing is a waste of time, it adds to the person you are…..What kind of person are you trying to be today?!

If I didn't have You!!!

Have you ever been driving just singing the song on the radio?  I was coming home from work doing that very thing the other day.  Thompson Square's song was on.  All of a sudden I realized this is how I feel about Daddy.... You see for a long time He has been my Husband. I went through a horrid divorce and one night I was sobbing on the floor with my Bible opened.  I heard Isaiah 54:5....For your Maker is your husband, the Lord Almighty is His Name... I have clung to this verse with every ounce of energy in me.  This song says it all.  This life would kill me If I didn't have You!  I'd never make it through!  You are my heart, every breath I breathe.  I'm safe in Your arms, You rescue me.  My Daddy loves me so much.  Below are the lyrics and YouTube of the video. Think of Him when you listen to it.... Just my random thoughts....

"If I Didn't Have You"

Sometimes it feels like, I'm gonna break
Sometimes this world, gives more than I can take
Sometimes, sunshine gets lost in the rain
And it keeps pouring down
It just keeps coming down.

This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you.

You are my heart, every breath I breathe
I'm safe in your arms, you rescue me.
When I'm weak, you're strong
If you were gone I don't know where I'd be
You were made for me
(You were made for me)

This life would kill me If I didn't have you
I couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause this life would kill me
This life would kill me if I didn't have you

If you didn't love me so much
(If you didn't love me so much)

This Life would kill me If I didn't have you
(This life would kill me)

Couldn't live without you baby
I wouldn't want to
If you didn't love me so much
I'd never make it through
'Cause This life would kill me
This Life would kill me if I didn't have you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UptgRHX4JsI

I want to be loved.....

As I am sitting on my couch in a quiet house with all my family out and about and I ponder the events of the weekend.  It hits me so hard.  I was with three young amazing single men, one beautiful incredible woman, and 500 to 600 gun advocates and I noticed one thing....people were looking for love.  One young man just stepped out of a three year relationship.  He said he just woke up and realized there was no love in it.  Another one has high hopes but the 'lady' he is waiting for isn't even giving him the time of day.  Still another one has a wonderful woman on his arm but hesitant if he will be loved for a life time.  I watched as families strolled through a crowd craving for touches, hugs, and love in the strongest way.  In the papers lately, a 23 year old desperately reaching out to a 40 year trying to cling onto love.  Television market it daily, try to find love that will last.  A marriage that lasts only 72 days and then cashes in on the money. A young lady doubts if they should 'take the next step' because she want to be sure she will be loved for a life time.  I want to be loved too....  

So my heart cries out to the God that is LOVE.  His name is LOVE!  We as His children need to be the arms and hands that show this love.  Wrapping our arms around others to comfort, to give security, to give hope to.  Holding out a hand to give support, to bring friendship, to give joy.  We live in a society that is craving, starving, dying to be loved!  We need to fall in love with a God who loved us so much He sent His only Son for each of us.... We need to love the people around us..... We all need LOVE!


 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ydfH7iuLR0I

Make up.....

Why do we put on make-up?  To cover up our flaws.  A few weeks ago someone was praying over me and said, "I see you wear make-up to cover the flaws in your life".  So true.  I apply it daily as I venture out.  My children see the real, unwashed version of my life.  They see the raw, painful, ecstatic, day to day struggles that I walk through.  Immediately fear begins to rise, voices start screaming in my head. like a country song...."Powder your nose, paint your toes, line your lips and keep em close, cross your legs, dot your I's, and never let em see you cry.  Go and fix your make up, girl it's just a break up.  Run and hide your crazy and start actin' like a lady, cause I raised you better, gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart...." (Thanks Miranda Lambert)

Even past spiritual leaders sing the same song.  Keep secrets so people won't get hurt (hold on and let me finish laughing), don't talk about your pain, especially depression and PLEASE don't tell people you have to take anti-depressants.  Always smile and never let the ones you are helping/leading know you are hurting, in pain, struggling financial or even need to cry.  "Dot your I's..."

I am going to try to be as brutally honest in this post as I can.  I read a book. Shocker!  Here are the voices again [Don't tell them cuz it is written by a homosexual. Do good Christians read books by homosexuals.....YES!]  Really it was one of the best, honest, raw books I have read in a long time.  It CHANGED me.  I cried! I felt her pain.  Someone hurts just like I have for years. The way society, church, co-workers, family, PEOPLE made her feel.  She had an eating disorder that almost cost her her life.  She heard voices too.  You need to look thinner, prettier, be better.  Where are the positive, loving words and support that we need.  How could SO many people touch her life and never ever know she was hurting?!  I look at my life, how many years have I walked through shit and no one ever knew I was hurting.  Are there really that many rules and regulations to be loved?  We all want to be loved! "Gotta keep it together, even when you fall apart..."

I have a few stories on how I can relate to her in the book.  I had been cancer free for about three years and I am overweight.  Someone saw a picture of me in college and asked, "Wow, what happened?!  You were so thin."  Wow made me want to go out and buy a new outfit to show off my curves.  Another time, I was really depressed because I don't want to spend my whole life single since I am divorced.  I was told by a spiritual leader to make a 'list' of what I would love in a spouse and pray that.  I have for years.  I was sharing it and mentioned I wanted him built.  A head leader turned to me and said, "Maybe he hasn't come since he is praying for someone skinny." Ouch!  Where's the love?!  I have been told horrible things and sometimes it is exhausting to keep fighting.  I fight alone because everyone left except my Daddy.  I squeeze His hand so tightly and won't let go...

I have walked through so much pain and suffering.  I apply my make-up and keep going.  What if we let others in and see the pain and hurt?  What if we share the voices in our head?  Would people really listen to the pain or slam you with a degrading remark?  Have I made remarks to destroy someone?  Hurt people hurt people.... We were walking down the beach and there were all shape and sizes of people.  Most of them were probably concerned about their body shape.  What do others think of my body? Am I too fat?  What do 'they' think of my swim suit? Do I really belong here? We walk pass them.  About two minutes later I compliment a woman who had passed about being bold wearing a bikini.  My daughter says, "What woman?"  If only that woman knew this......

I think the part that pissed me off the most is this woman in the book found a lover, a homosexual lover that accepted her just the way she was, respected her.  She found healing through talking to people, eating correctly, and someone loving her! How many others are suffering like her, like me.... Why has some of the loneliest time I have felt, I have been surrounded by people?  We are told that you don't have to do anything to be loved by Daddy.  We just have to be.  Did anyone tell her?  She wanted to be loved.   I want to be loved....

I went to the beach to breathe and listen... I heard Daddy say as I was walking, "this has been a slow process, but there are treasures along the way.  Look at your feet, there is a treasure (a beautiful starfish).  Look up along the horizon, there is a treasure (a dolphin jumped out of the water).  Look to the sky, there is a treasure (rays of golden sunshine streaming down).  I look at you, you are My beautiful treasure..."

I hurt...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4vzSYFcn-k

Motherhood.....

What does it feel like to be a mother?  That was the question I was asked.  I pondered it for awhile.  I came up with an analogy.

Becoming and being a mother is like hearing there is a new roller coaster ride at an amusement park.  You are so excited about it and want to participate. You hear rumors about how it is going to be.  Excitement, anxiety, fear, nervousness, and joy all well up inside of you.  Then the time comes when you 'get' to go to the amusement park.  The day you find out you are expecting.  You arrive anticipating the new adventure and find out you have to stand in a huge, long line.  Nine months of waiting to be exact.  Emotions run wild.  The moment arrives for your bundle of joy to grace your life.  You buckle yourself into the roller coaster ride seat and hold on for dear life.  With every click, click, click, click, your world is full of pain, laughter, fear, joy, then you crest the top of the ride.  A baby is born.  From that point on, the ride plunges (drool, feedings, coos), spins (crawling, walking, first words), dips (losing first tooth), twists (Kindergarten), twirls (scrapes, colds, sick child), rises (hugs and kisses, bed-time stories), flips (jr. high, new friendships), turns (drivers education, first job), whirls (high school graduation, starting college) and you grip with all your might, scream, and even sometimes throw your hands up in the air exuberant with life.  At the end of the ride, you loved every moment, with no regrets, and wish it didn't go by so fast.  

Being a mother is the most rewarding, fulfilling adventure I have ever been on.  I have raised a strong will daughter and an adventurous son.  Both of whom I am so proud of.  I have cried, prayed, screamed, laughed, closed my eyes many times but it is all worth it.  A mother is who you become.  It's not a job or something that can be turned on or off.  It is loving, stretching, and growing as a person as you are raising up productive, strong adults.  I am a guardian and warrior that train others to impact the world.  I am now entering into a new realm of motherhood: confidant, guidance, counselor, friend.  Many and I mean many times, I was flat on my face crying at the feet of my Daddy.  He is my Savior in so many ways.  Motherhood brings out the inner most parts of who you are.  Holding a newborn for the first time, impacts your world beyond reasoning.  Holding your 16 year old in excruciating pain caused from a broken bone, impacts your world beyond reasoning. You hold tightly on to your Lord and Savior and cherish and pray for every moment.  It is a day by day journey that is overwhelmingly satisfying.  It takes on different looks and feels through the years but you never stop being a mom!

This past weekend we had my son's open house. On display were all his pictures through the years, some alone and some with the family. With each picture there was a memory attached.  With each picture there were either laughter or tears and sometimes both attached. I cried.  What more could a person ask for?!  A life, full of love, compassion, Christ, standing on their own.... Our children.  

I couldn't imagine my life any other way.  

Wuv, true wuv.....

What is love?  When you think of movies, which love stories pop into your mind?  Sappy ones, trials and overcoming odds, fighting for your beloved....  How does one fall 'into' love?  Is it a puddle? Sinkhole?  River?  Is it unconditional? Life-giving? Completion?  When courting that 'one true one', I instill into my children to love spirit, soul, and body.  AND in that order.  Connect on a spiritual level first (the most important).  Do you believe the same things?  Do you know Him in an intimate way that He is the cord that binds you together?  Do you pray together, discuss spiritual matters, soak in His Presence together and go to Him first with all decisions affecting your relationship?  On the soul level, do you inspire each other to greatness, encourage each other, dream together, feel safe and secure with one another, have trust, loyalty, kindness, and patience?  Then on the wedding night, connect in the most physical, intimate way that God intended.  

Whew! I did that in less than 100 words.  Easy as can be! Blahahahahahahahahahaha..... That is far from easy.  I do believe that we have been sold a bunch of bologna from Hollywood on how love is supposed to look, feel, be, and develop.  Don't panic, there is a perfect example for us to follow and not only grow in love but to let is spill out on to others, whether they deserve it or not.  

Love is patient, not demanding.  It holds your hand to bring security, reassurance in every situation.  Love is kind.  Kind is having and showing friendly, generous, and considerate nature.  It comes natural, not forced.  Love is not jealous or envious.  There is no resentment or suspicion in the relationship.  Always be honest and truthful.  Love never boast or is proud.  When I think about boasting an image of an 8 year old brat standing with their hands on their hips chanting "Na na, I won, you didn't!"  Not attractive!  We are to walk humbly not putting ourselves above others and making them feel less.  Love is never rude.  Here me carefully, NO ONE should ever degrade, slander, or belittle you in public or private.  That is abuse and those scars go deeper than physical scars.  Love does not demand its own way. Love allows others to grow and flourish, not demanding and controlling.  Love is not irritable.  Irritable is being annoyed and angered.  Love has no place for that.  Love keeps no record of wrongs.  When forgiveness is sought, the trespass is never remembered again nor slammed in the person's face to make a point.  Love rejoices in truth not injustice.  It stands for the underdog, reaches down and lifts someone up, and is build upon the foundation of truth.  Love never gives up.  No matter how bad, horrible, terrifying, difficult the situation is, LOVE is there!  Love never loses faith and is always hopeful. It has confidence and trust in the person, knowing they can overcome any obstacle.  It is believing and hoping in others.  Love endures through every circumstance.  Every circumstance!! Sickness, health, child birth, death, lack, riches, war, peace, frustration, joys, every circumstance love is there.  Love last forever.  Hhmm, then that means one cannot 'fall' out of love.  It last, endure, is complete.  

Interesting that not once is sex, physical touching, or ooey gooey stuff mentioned.  How do you walk this love out?  True, agape love, can only be expressed and fulfilled by knowing Jesus Christ in an intimate way.  Not having rules and regulations, but having a life-giving relationship, in which His love flows through you and to others.  Then and only then can I stand next to a battered woman, thrown on the streets by an abusive husband, and love unconditionally.  Then and only then can I love, forgive, and release someone who raped a young teenager.  Then and only then can I raise children to impact a love starved world.  Then and only then can I love my husband in an intimate, physical, emotional love that will encourage and stand beside him no matter what comes our way.  Then and only then can I even begin to grasp the magnitude of love my Savior, Deliverer, King, Lord had towards me on Calvary.  1 John 4:19 states "We love Him because He first loved us."

The link below is from one of my favorite "love stories" about true love.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZsOPMVt4Yg

Grace....

Shut up!  You are not doing enough!  Why can't you be on time? Hey did you hear what 'she' did?  I don't HAVE to listen to you.  Back stabbing.... arguing... snapping.... demanding....sharp tones.... 

Holy Spirit has an incredible unique way of showing what I need to be praying and developing in my life.  Grace!!!  He has been showing me heart wrenching situations where His children are not walking in grace.  I have wept over some of them.  Shook my head at others.  Wanted to scream at even more.  We need GRACE!  

What is grace....I immediately hear what has been drilled in me over my Christian walk.  Wait, let me see if I get this right: Unmerited favor of God seen in the life of the believer.  But I think it is MORE than that.  There are many definitions and as I get greater insight from Daddy, I see that.  

Refinement of movement....wow, Christ was hanging on a cross and grace was applied as He is struggling to inhale and exhale.  Grace to lead someone to Paradise.  Grace to forgive the ones who just drove nails into His loving hands. Courteous....A woman was caught in the act of sex, ripped out of the room, hurled at the feet of the Messiah.  He bends down and writes in the sand.  Her accusers leave.  Gently with courteous, respectfulness, cradle her hand, picks her up and forgives.  Grace made her whole.  Goodwill....A young teen finds herself in a situation and needs a friend.  Her helpful Aunt comforts, encourages and exhorts her to trust in Yahweh.  She brings forth the Deliverer who will one day deliver her.  Grace is there in a friend, being helpful in a time of uncertainty.  No criticism or harsh words.  Free....Hungry, hot, but so thirsty, not just for water but for every word Jesus spoke.  An awesome mom packed her son a lunch so he could hear and gleam from the Words of Life.  He shares it so others may have food and 5000 are fed.  Grace is giving of what one has even if they don't think it is much.  Divinely given blessing....A daughter is given as a prize for a noble and brave deed.  As her husband and her ride into the sunset, she stops, dismounts from her donkey and her father meets her.  Is something wrong?  The daughter asks for a spring to supply her household.  Grace steps in. Her father cradles her face and grants her the upper and lower springs.  Thus, NO one will ever be able to control her household by stopping the flow of water.  Grace continues the life giving flow.

Honor....No matter what the ruling king did, said, or thought, David honored Saul.  David would not harm nor allow others to harm Saul because God places all authority over us.  When Saul died, David grieved.  Grace brings honor no matter if the person deserves it or not.  

O Lord I NEED so much help.  I need only God-given grace to walk this out as a mom. I need to cover my children, to be there and hold their hands as THEY make life defining decisions.  I must give them security, respect, honor, and bless them so they can impact the world.  I need only God-given grace to walk this out as a teacher and co-worker.  I need to give moments for others to make mistakes, to cover with love, to give freedom for growth, and to let others shine.  I must not judge, criticize, or be impatient but to comfort, exhort, and always encourage.  I need only God-given grace to walk through life .  I need to see people with love and compassion.  To only look down at someone as I am giving them my hand to help them stand back up on their feet.  To share life, laughs, tears, help, hold, to just be there.  Grace!!!

You will be missed......

I was sadden today to learn that one of the great authors who radically changed the way I think about my walk with Christ, stepped into eternity today.  He once wrote, "The closer I come to death, the less inclined I am to limit the wisdom and infinity of God."  Brennan Manning impacted me.  He was raw, compassionate, truthful, non-religious, and yet so full of God's love that it made the enemy shake.  This blog is dedicated to him.  Below are some exerts from my most favorite book by him, "The Furious Longing of God."  

"Ironically it was April Fool's Day, 1975, 6:30am, and I woke up in a doorway on Commercial Boulevard in Ft. Lauderdale, FL.  I was thick in an alcoholic fog, sniffing vomit all over my sweater, staring down at my bare feet.  I didn't know a wino would steal my shoes during the night to buy a bottle of Thunderbird, but one did.  I had been out on the street for a year and a half, drunk every day, sleeping on the beach until the cops chased me away.  You could find me in doorways or under the bridge, always clutching my precious little bottle of Tequila.  And it wasn't just that this good Franciscan priest drank too much.  I broke every one of the Ten Commandments six times Tuesday: adultery, countless acts of fornication, violence to support my addiction, character assassination to anybody who dared to criticize me or remonstrate with me.  

This morning I woke up in the alcoholic boozy fog, I looked down the street to see a woman coming toward me, maybe 25 years old, blonde, and attractive.  She had her son in hand, maybe 4 years old.  The boy broke loose from his mother's grip, ran to the doorway, and stared down at me.  His mother rushed in behind him, covering his eyes, and said 'Don't look at that filth.  That's nothing but pure filth.' Then I felt her shoe.  She broke two of my ribs with that kick.  

That filth was Brennan Manning, 32 years ago.  And the God I've come to know by sheer grace, the Jesus I met in the grounds of my own self, has furiously loved me regardless of my state---grace or disgrace.  And why?  For His love is never, never, never based on our performance, never conditioned by our moods---of elation or depression.  The furious love of God knows no shadow of alteration or change.  It is reliable.  And always tender.  Until the love of God that knows no boundary, limit, or breaking point is internalized through personal decisions; until the furious longing of God seizes the imagination; until the heart is conjoined to the mind through sheer grace, nothing happens.  

Is the kingdom that He proclaimed to be nothing more than a community of men and women, who go to church on Sunday, take an annual spiritual retreat, read their Bibles every now and then, vigorously oppose abortion, don't watch x-rated movies, never use vulgar language, smile a lot, hold doors open for people, root for the favorite team, and get along with everybody?  Is that why Jesus went through the bleak and bloody horror of Calvary?  Is that why He emerged in shattering glory from the tomb?  Is that why He poured out His Holy Spirit on the church?  To make nicer men  and women with better morals?

The gospel is absurd and the life of Jesus is meaningless unless we believe that He lived, died, and rose again with but one purpose in mind: to make brand-new creations.  Not to make people with better morals, but to create a community of prophets and professional lovers, who would surrender to the mystery of the fire of Holy Spirit that urns within, who would live in ever greater fidelity to the omnipresent Word of God, who would enter into the center of it all, the very heart and mystery of Christ, into the center of the flame that consumes, purifies, and sets everything aglow with peace, joy, boldness, and extravagant, furious love.

Abba I belong to You.. It's a prayer of exactly seven syllables, the number that corresponds perfectly to the rhythm of our breathing.  As you inhale---Abba.  As you exhale---I belong to You....  My name is Brennen Manning, and I'm Daddy's little boy."

Brennan Manning, you will be missed.  Especially from this ragamuffin..... 

"Cease striving and know that I am God," Psalm 46:10

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GeVf1XQOPg

Autumn....

I love this time of year.... The smells, the colors, the crispness of the air.  I went to the pumpkin patch today.  How fun it was to watching little ones trying to pick out the 'perfect' pumpkin.  Take time today to thank Daddy for season changes (Spiritual and literal).  Take time to smell, see, taste, hear, and feel the autumn around you.  Go on a hay ride, make hot apple cider, cuddle by a bon fire, enjoy life......

Chivalry......

Is Chivalry dead?  Are single women not supposed to look for the knights in shining armor?  What about a gentleman holding the door for a woman?  A kind word, faithful to your word, or loyalty?  It amazes me how some men expect you to do their work even though you are a woman.  Being a single mom I have many of these.  Short example: I was working three jobs to make ends meet.  I needed my yard mowed.  My son, at that time was little and not heavy enough to keep the mower running.  I made a comment about it and a 'man' turned to me and said, "I will come over and SHOW you how to mow your yard then you can DO it yourself from now on!"  Really?!  I promptly told him no thanks.

So what is Chivalry by definition... A moral system that stated all knights should protect others who can not protect themselves.  Knights not only had to be strong but they were also extremely disciplined and were expected to use their power to protect the weak and defenseless.  Knights vowed to be loyal, generous, and "noble bearing."  Knights were required to tell the truth at all times and always respect the honor of women.  Knights were to fear God and maintain His Church.  Knights always kept their faith and never turned their back on a foe.  They were gallant warriors or gentlemen.  Is this gone? I believe there are a select few who still hold to this truth.  The Word of God emphasizes that a father or husband covers and protects his wife/daughters/women in society.  

And Caleb said, "I will give my daughter Acsah in marriage to the man who attacks and captures Kiriath Sepher."  Othniel, son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, took it; so Caleb gave his daughter, Acsah to him in marriage.  One day when she came to Othniel, she urged him to ask her father for a field.  When she got off her donkey, Caleb asked her, "What can I do for you?"  She replied, "Do me a special favor.  Since you have given me land in the Negev, give me also springs of water."  Then Caleb gave her the upper and lower springs (Joshua 15:16-19)....Why did he give her the upper and lower springs.  Because Caleb was a different standard of man.  He knew if he only gave her the lower, then anyone could come and control her.  How?  By cutting off the water supply that flowed down from the upper spring.  By giving her both he gave her security, love, value, and destiny.  Caleb honored her.  

In the New Testament, Jesus shows us no matter what is happening in your life, you protect women.  He is being crucified and He so gently looks at His mother and tells her John will be her covering.  She is well taken care of .  

So why am I rambling on?  I want men to be men.  You say you are coming by at a certain time to help, be there ON TIME (not 5 hours later).  If you are helping a woman with mechanical problems, don't expect her to get under the hood to fix a problem you should have done.  

Last weekend it was pouring so hard we had to use the rapid setting on the windshield wipers.  A young teenage girl had ran out of gas in the middle of one of the busiest intersections in our town.  My son and daughter immediately jumped out of our car to help push her to safety.  An elderly woman stopped to help also.  After the car was pushed into a parking lot entrance, one other man jumped out to help.  I literally watched 20-30 cars with men in them go by us.  What happened to "expected to use their power to protect the weak and defenseless."  What if that had been your daughter?! 

I encourage men to be men.  Dads to be dads.  Fathers to be fathers.  Friends to be friends.  Spiritual fathers to be Spiritual fathers.  Speaking from experience, it is utterly frustrating and makes one feel helpless.  Security is one of the greatest gifts you could ever give.....

Determining factors.....

Interesting how events in our lives impact generations to come.  Many times we pigeon hole ourselves to believe we can only do one thing in life.  "What do you want to do when you grow up" is often asked in school to determine the path you will walk down.  What if...there are many things you are suppose to do.  When I was growing up, my parents worked for General Motors.  They worked 40 hour weeks, had three weeks paid vacation and holidays off.  We planned our lives around their job.  In the summer we would pack up a 32 foot RV and hit the road.  I have had the rare opportunity to see 42 of our 50 states.  At the end of the vacation, 'back to the ole grind' my dad use to say.  But what if it didn't have to be that way? What if we are to live adventurous lives, see every situation as an opportunity, and impact generations.

I believe every decision we make, no matter how big or small, will direct the future.  Example, a teacher made a decision to move back to California last November.  Because of her decision, an opportunity for me to step back into teaching opened up.  From that decision I sought Daddy's direction for my life if I was to sign a contact for the following year.  I heard yes.  So I continued on that path.  Now I have fallen in love with nine precious little lives, instructing, nurturing, and sometimes pushing them to become strong Godly adults.  They in turn are taking their knowledge and touching lives around them.  

Another example is a friend of mine believed Daddy was directing him down a certain path.  He had written the vision down, had agreement with his wife, and covered it with prayer.  Circumstances changed with the church he was attending and his whole dream crumbled before his eyes.  He immediately hit his knees and asked God if he 'missed' it.  Daddy spoke to his heart in a profound way. Sometimes others' decisions can change the direction of your path.  Decisions impact generations.

What if...Joseph didn't believe in his dreams.  What if...Moses didn't believe his destiny came from a burning bush.  What if...Rahab thought all she could be was a prostitute.  What if...A certain man had 'put away' his betrothed wife who was pregnant with the Messiah.  What if...You never consider the importance of following your God given dreams....

So what is my point....We should take nothing lightly.  Everything we do touches generations to come. I am not here just by chance or because of a cosmic bang.  I have purpose, destiny, and I make a difference.  And so do you.....

Hard times.............

So I was encouraged to blog on a more regular basis today. This year has been so hard, full of disappointments, loss, pain, hurt, healing, changes........many times I wonder, "Do people really want to know about what life has thrown at me?"  I guess it is the lessons learned along the way.  As I was sitting in church today, I realized there are things missing in my life.  Important things, but God's grace is sufficient.  There are moments where I feel so intimately connected with my Daddy and other times like I am out there flapping. But if I continue to look to Him, hold tight to His hand, each step counts. Hopefully, I can help others along my journey....................

Standards....

A couple weeks ago someone asked why I haven't been blogging.  I replied, "I have been walking through some horrible stuff.  Don't think anyone wants to read about THAT!"  Well, I changed my mind.  When you are walking through CRAP, it is amazing how everyone has the 'right' answer, great advise, and can show you EXACTLY where you are wrong.  They say things that cut deep or are their opinions that don't even make sense.  Thus the reason for 'this' blog....


A couple days ago I found out a close friend betrayed my confidence to someone else.  This other person began making judgment calls on me and my family, instead of coming to us directly.  They stated that "our family is so hurt and we would never find a church that will meet up to our standards!"  Hhhmmm.... Of course that one stuck with me a couple of days.  In conversations with Daddy, I, of course, brought this up quite a few times.  My standard for the Church: I believe that my standard for the Church is reflected in the New Testament.  Peter described it, Timothy preached it, Paul died for it.  I believe it begins with LOVE.  And there is no ending to this Love.  It is unconditional, lays down its life for others, full of hope, kindness, generous, all encompassing, secure, tried and tested.  Isn't that the CHURCH that Christ DIED for! Wasn't that His vision, for us to walk whole and complete, if not why did He come to earth?


One of the kewl ways that Daddy shows me things is through dreams and visions.  In my opinion the difference between a dream and vision is your eyes are shut in one and opened in the other.  So after mulling these comments over and over, Daddy showed me a picture of 'the church' and how many are run.  Especially the ones where people are still bleeding and hurting, and needing others to reach out and help them through life.....


So I 'saw' a fire chief, firefighter, and two EMTs rush to a scene.  The scene had a man trapped in a car bleeding and in excruciating pain.  The fire chief ordered the firefighter to get the Spreader (Jaws of Life) which he did and laid at the chief's feet.  The EMTs had huge black medical bags filled with medicine to take away the pain, gauze, bandages, splints, everything the trapped man would need.  All four of these people stood so the trapped man could see them.  The chief yelled loud and clearly, "Come sir to us, we HAVE ALL YOU NEED to heal, stop bleeding, to save your life, BUT you have to come and get it.  You have to come and take part of ALL the programs and training courses we offer so you can be a 'whole' person.  We are right here waiting for you to get connected." I sensed the chief  represented a pastor.  I immediately started crying.  Dear God is that how the 'church' is run today?! My heart was grieved.  How many of US sit in church, live next to neighbors, work with co-workers, who are just like that man trapped?  We have ALL they need and we want them to 'get connected', to 'reach' out to others, to come get involved in programs, when all they need is love, healing, and restoration.  O MY GOD! PLEASE don't let me walk through this whole painful walk and not use these vital lessons. What my family is walking through--we are the one in the car trapped and needing love, healing, and restoration, not programs, gossip, and harsh words.  Let me reach out daily to others and help them where they are in life, even in my pain and bleeding.  Keep my heart soft and tender to hear others' needs.  Let others hear mine.  


On my quest, I pray I learn what I need to learn quickly so I do not have to repeat the lesson.  I have discovered a great deal about others and myself.  And I cling tightly to Daddy's hand......

A Broken Heart.....

How do you heal from a broken heart.... How do you get passed the anger.... It is a DEATH and there must be a grieving period.  Daddy sends warriors to defend, comfort, protect, and console you as you trudge through the agony.  


First there is 'shock and denial'.... No this can't be happening.  I prayed.  Didn't I hear clearly? How can I change this NOW?!  As a strong arm comes around you, the warrior's voice whispers, "Yes, you did hear from God.  You were walking on the path laid before you.  But the other person has a free will also.  They have chose to walk away.  Holy Spirit is grieved also and potential is lost."  Tears flow and breath is gasped.  Where do you go from here?!  To pick up all the shattered pieces.  


Next flows pain and guilt....  As the shock begins to wear off, it is abruptly replaced with suffering of unbelievable pain!  It is excruciating and almost unbearable but we must experience the pain fully so we can grow from this place.  This is a scary place to stand at.  There isn't light, yet.... Then the another warrior's voice speaks, "Don't hold back crying.  This is a death in your life and must be treated as such.  Tears bring healing and sanity to the chaos that is surrounding you."  


Then comes the anger....  It flows and sometimes is hard to control.  Little things ignite it.  People asking questions, a song, a look.  The scenarios play out in your mind and even in your dreams.  Realization of lies come to light.  Again the warrior's voice bellows through the darkness, "You have the right to be angry.  Take that anger to the throne room.  Let Daddy hear your pain raging in you so His Holy Presence can mold and shape your spirit into a beautiful woman."  


Just when 'most people' think you should be getting on with your life, a period of sad reflection will overtake you.  This is normal.  During these moments, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss and it depresses you.  Through reflecting, you see how strong and valuable you are.  Your independence shines through to express the amazing diamond you have always been.  The warrior reaffirms this by expressing, "You are an expensive, valuable diamond.  If a man is not going to sacrifice to get you then he can go elsewhere to get cheap jewelry.  You can't make yourself trust someone.  They have to build that up.  You are mature in your spiritual walk with Daddy.  Trust Him.  You are worth fighting for."  


Finally, working through, acceptance and hope rushes in... the warriors' chime in together, "Don't let this kill the dreams you've been dreaming... Pray your boundaries not boxes!  Boundaries can be different shapes where boxes are only squares.  Boundaries shape your heart's desires and dreams.  They give Daddy all the creative room He needs to sculpt your future.  You have grown. You know you won't compromise or degrade yourself to someone else's standards.  You are stronger, bolder, and a rare jewel..."  A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man has to seek Him in order to find her.  


In writing this, healing has come even more to me and my family.  We have been through hell and back in the last two years.  We have experienced many heart-breaks, devastating experiences, and lose of loved ones.  I really debated on writing this.  My intention is not to hurt others.  (Which I usually hear through the grape vine that I offended 'someone'.)  I want to express honor and respect towards the warriors that Daddy have placed in our lives.  We could NOT have walked through this life without them.  Thank you Jean, Ken, Knobby, Dale, and Josh.  We love you......

Purity....I mean Puberty

Hilarious...... I asked permission to post this.  Remember I am a teacher and the stories never stop coming.


The other day, in one of the classrooms, a student just blurted out the word 'PUBERTY'.  (They must have heard the word from somewhere and had been thinking about it)  The teacher raised an eyebrow.  The student asked quizzitvely, "What does that word mean?"  The teacher explained this was a discussion for their parents to have with them.  The other students began chiming in.  "What does it mean?  Is it bad?  Is it good? Why won't you tell us?"  The teacher persisted that they wait until the get home and discuss this as a family matter.  One of the students had a bright idea....they would look the word up in the dictionary.  So a mad dash was made to the class dictionary.  Well, the student looked up the incorrect word.  Instead of reading the definition for 'puberty', they read the definition for 'purity'.  


Purity: The condition or quality of being pure; freedom from guilt or evil; innocence....


The students immediately started asking the teacher why she didn't want to discuss 'puberty'.  It was a good thing to be pure, free from guilt or evil.  They were innocence.  They wanted puberty. Puberty is a good thing.  Everyone should want puberty.  They even began to chant about having puberty.  The teacher had to stop them and explain they MUST have a discussion with their parents regarding 'puberty'.....


When the teacher was telling this story, I was in tears laughing so much.  Life lesson: when you don't know what a word means, always use a dictionary :)

Is God silent as we walk through life......

It is amazing how Daddy loves to get all His children on the same page.  As I was sitting in church today, the pastor says, "God is often silent in some situations, but that does not reflect how He feels about you."  I had just had a conversation with my daughter regarding this.  Daddy's silence does NOT mean disapproval.  In fact when He is quiet, many time He is thrilled with us.  He doesn't need to voice His directions every second if He has given His mature sons and daughters a specific Word.  We are doing well walking out His command.  He will, however, give us reassurance when we ask.  


I gave an illustration to my daughter.  When she was learning how to walk, she would hold on to everything and not let go.  We tried to get her to walk across the living room floor without holding on to anything.  Nope, she would plop her butt down and crawl to the other side.  So I got some wooden clothes pins.  She held on to one end and I held on to the other.  I walked her across the living room floor eight to ten times.  Each time I would encourage her on the outstanding job she was doing.  Then one time I let go without her knowing. She walked the complete breadth of the room without my help.  When she looked up for my encouragement, she realized I was not holding on anymore.  Thus she immediately plopped down.  But I squealed with delight on how great and awesome she did.  Her face lit up.  Then we walked back across the room together, me holding the clothes pins with her.  Eventually, she gained enough confidence that she was walking EVERYWHERE without my assistance.  


Isn't that how Daddy is with us!  He holds our hand, gives us directions, and walks with us.  He is so delighted when we step out on faith and trust that He IS there, cheering us on.  Don't allow your present situation to determine your future....  Daddy's Words are true and steadfast.  If He has said it, it will come to pass.  Continue to walk by faith, ask for reassurance, and know He cannot leave you.  How does He feel about you?  He LOVES you!  He loves you when you plop your butt down and crawl to your destination.  He loves you when you cry out, "I don't get it.  Why is this taking soooooo long?"  He loves you when you are hurting, bloody, and desperate to be held by Him.  He loves you when you fall flat on your face.  Daddy loves!  We have to grasp this so deep in our spirit.  We are made in His image and are and will always be connected to Him by His LOVE... It is who He is.  When the boss let's you go from a job, when your husband says there is someone else, when the diagnosis is cancer, when there isn't enough money to pay the bills, when the doctors says you have lost a child, when your parents step into eternity, when close friends and spiritual leaders walk away, when you are lonely and want just to be held, when..... Daddy is LOVE.  He is there to hold the 'clothes pins' in life and watch you successfully walk across the floor.  How do I KNOW this.... I have successfully walked through each and every one of those circumstances. My Daddy LOVES!!!